Loving God first is the hardest command, but if we do not, we fall into the traps of worshipping other gods of the world. We can justify all day long that we are putting our family first, but, honestly how can we put our family first, if we are not truly giving our life, our thoughts, our actions to God first. These words may seem so simple to read, but, these words are what I am dealing with, and have been dealing with for quite some time. My heart is sick. I have hidden gods of this world in my life that shall be killed.
Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
I said to the Lord, You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.
As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I have been in the depths of sorrow for months, and why it has taken this long to figure out why, is due to deception of other gods of this world. I have let the god of satisfaction from others to fulfill me, to keep me going, to consume my everyday thought. I no longer want to be in sorrow due to running after gods of this world. I want my true satisfaction, my true love, to come and go to my God that has saved me from the wretchnedness of this world. As I write these very words, I have to fight confessing this, because the selfishness inside me wants to keep it. But the more I realize how far I have gotten from truly enjoying and sitting at the feet of God, the more broken, the more humble, and weak I become, so God can be that much stronger in my life.
I was somewhere in my life I had never been before. I have sat in my living room feeling completely empty–dark–fragile–confused–heart-ache–alone–weak–numb–loss for words–and not able to eat. This is what it feels like to be completely separated from God. Sin separates us from God. What a hard thing to swallow–all things (photography)/people I love the most I have to rebuild and learn to love again the way God would love me. Something was stolen from me, and God is replacing it one moment at a time with His reassurance, His strength, His Word, His touch, His sweet whispers, His loving arms…… The past two days I have walked up the mountain with bible in hand reading aloud, weeping……weeping over my sin and loss of connection with my Creator. I had no idea I was that far from truly worshipping Him. Sin destroys friendships, passions, and anyone around you that you once loved. If we think sin can be kept a secret, we are wrong. Sin only keeps us down, and wanting more sin. I hurt when I write these truths of my life, but, I can not go on living a lie that I had no idea was even there. I no longer want my children seeing me with my phone in my hand all the time, but my bible. I have gone 2 days straight without a phone, and it has felt incredible to be separated from the noise of the world, that is oh so empty.
When I walked back down the mountain yesterday, I deflated that much more, and came to terms with where I want to be in life with my family and with God most importantly.
There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient fro you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong 2 Cor. 12:7-10……for when I am weak, then I am strong……for when I am weak, then I am strong……
The praise of people, the attention we may crave from others, and seeking any sort of comfort from others is all empty in the end is where I am and what I am grappling with now. “Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. ” Psalms 43:4…. my satisfaction should only come from the Lord. “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:11 No person/no object can fill my heart as the Lord does with His unfailing love for me.
Praise the Lord for the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and His grace…. sin is crafty, sin is deceptive, sin is dark…… we may be living in a sin that is easy to justify, but I assure you, that if we are living in a sin that brings no good, we are lying to ourself, to God, and to others. We have a choice to choose, because there comes a time in our life with sin when God will give us over to our sinful desires, and let us exchange the truth of God for lie, and worship and serve created things rather than the creator. (Romans 1:24-25) We choose to keep on living in the darkness that only pulls us further away from God, or we put a halt to it, restore our life with good, restore our life with honest truth that bites us hard, but, only makes us cling to Jesus that much more.
I spill my heart out because one, it is therapeutic for me, and two to encourage anyone to come clean with hidden sin in their life. Am I where I want to be, not even close. I am sitting in pain as I write. There is so much that has to be rebuilt from the bottom up. And as my husband–leader, lover, comforter, fighter, and encourager keeps reminding me….we can take this sin as stepping stones, or we can let these stones bury us. It be so easy to curl up in a hole and bury away from the world, but, why not let God fight for me as He wants to each and everyday. Why not let God have the glory of this battle. I choose to live for Him, and with His strength, and knowing the battle is not over. May God be the glory, Amen.
pressing on toward the love of Jesus Christ, He is my everything….may I never be a stray sheep again, that is taken by a wolf out to kill, steal, and destroy…….