It is late on this Monday and since yesterday my heart has been stirred to write, but am just now finding a tiny moment to sit down and pour out. I feel like I need to get straight to the point today, and I am a little sad.
The past few days I have been struggling with a lot, and some odd reason God has given me much comfort to be open and honest with whomever comes across my blog. I truly believe our breaths are short, and if my daily struggles and trials can encourage just one person, then I see it all worth it. But, ultimately I want everyone that reads my posts to breathe in the beauty of Jesus, and want more of Him, and less of us. Thats not too much to ask, right? 🙂
God has been doing a really good job of wrecking my life in a good way the last couple of years, and silly me thought this crazy absurb thing….over the months of complete depression, laying on my floor weeping, not eating, drinking probably way more than I should have, doubting the church I was attending and their leadership, and what in the hell is God up to with my life…… I thought…..well I sure am glad this will be my biggest trial I will ever face, because I am sure nothing worse can ever happen than this. I am pretty certain there is no card, no word from God that says we will only go through one hard trial, make it through if we are faithful, and life goes on nice and peachy. Call it naive….call it not truly knowing who God is…..
Because today once again God made me tremble, which honestly is right where I want to be each day. Because when I feel myself drift back to old ways, I cry….no I scream out to God…NO, not this road again. I want YOU SO MUCH MORE. In a devotion reading today I was SLAPPED hard….
“the days ahead may call for greater endurance and more robust faith than you have ever needed before.” I am certain that if I do not rejoice through this trial now in knowing something much more enduring is going to come my way, I will not be any stronger, I will not be anymore like Christ, I will be missing the point of what He is up to! SEEK GOD ABOVE ALL ELSE. PERIOD.
Are you wondering where this is going yet? yea me too…..haha…. sometimes I just write whatever the lord lays upon my heart and just go with it…… crazy i know.
sadly I have been struggling with how can I keep writing on a topic that I am really not partaking in. Sure, I keep waiting and hoping…. but, deep down I see myself as a mother and business owner. I desire to love selflessly, but right now I do not see it as what God has for me. It is strange, because ever since I was a small child I prayed for my future husband. I prayed for every single detail of what I wanted him to be like. But for some reason that I can not see nor understand right now, I am separated and soon to be divorced.
Woah…God just lead me to this verse on being content….and it scares me….”I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13 I think I need to break this down in my situation…
I can not say I have completely “learned” and will ever be that confident to say I have learned to be 100% content, but it definitely is a desire of mine. Fill in the blank and I am sure there is something in your life now that you may desire more on this earth than eternity. It is so much easier to get wrapped up in the temporal good feelings, that only last…well….temporarily. I am trying to figure out how to write what I want to express without coming off non-emotional or heartless…but simply where God has brought me TODAY, after many….many…..days of heartache.
Marriage has got to be the most rewarding relationship there is, because when two individuals come together that are completely attracted to the opposite things they are, that one day become the things that drive them crazy, but eventually figure out thats what makes them work…that is a reward in itself! But, some do not make it that far. And here I sit, in that category I never ever thought I would be. And for now, I feel lead to say farewell to Monday Marriage Matters, and more toward…..Lady in Waiting. It seems future posts will be more toward a further category of women….married women waiting, single women waiting, separated women waiting, ladies waiting for their King to return…. and to be clear, this waiting is not on another man to fill my void of loneliness most nights, but to truly run after God, to truly seek after God, to sound out all the noise around me that is distracting me from the richness of Jesus.
Follow me on this new journey as I sadly say goodbye to Monday Marriage Matters…..
and for ones new to this blog, this post may help clear up where I am today with my writings: http://annapociaskphotography.com/blog/?p=4940