“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147: 3)
10:30 am I have no goals set for the year, no new years resolutions. The only goal I am seeking to live out daily is obeying what God has asked of me. And it is causing me much pain right now.
An hour ago I was weeping in my bed as being lonely attacked me right at my deepest core. It was a late night with friends and my kids celebrating the New Year and I knew I needed to rest and then get in the word as I have learned the hard way when tired and not fed by scripture I tend to wander down a path of believing lies. But I could not get myself to rest, rather I called a dear friend and just wept over the phone with her. Even as I write right now I am being attacked with heavy feelings of being alone, it is almost putting me to a point of numbness where I cant move.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I am going to keep writing as this is real life. Here are the lies—are you familiar with any of these?
You’re all alone and nobody wants to be with you.
You ruined your marriage and now you sit in a quiet home with nobody to share life with.
You only know how to ruin relationships. Regret is becoming your good friend.
So yea I sit here on my bed feeling completely broken, which I know deep down this is right where God wants me. Completely relying on Him for strength. But this pain, it feels too broken and ripped to be complete again. But, have I ever truly been complete. Or a wandering soul searching and running after what feels good, abusing grace. Is this part of the healing? Is this the message you have been trying to tell me, Lord? To admit I am broken, and in need of a Savior. Pain is assurance my soul is alive.
After all the running around, drinking myself to sleep, empty conversations to fill voids of pain life catches up to you eventually. And the end result I have found myself in is being alone; alone right where God wants me, alone with Him. False happiness you can not have me any longer. True healing to my deepest wounds my soul cries out for. One day at a time. And rather believing the lie of nobody wants me, I will redirect that thought with God is protecting me. To every no, He has a bigger yes. He wants to heal me and prepare my heart so one day I will be a woman that is able to live by these words in Isaiah 43… “forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert. Be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.”
And as I have made many unwise choices in times of desperation while most vulnerable I am breathing in this quote from Oswald Chambers…. “Leave the broken, irreversible past in God’s hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.”
I pray your year is filled with growth, healthy relationships, laughter, community, and gospel living.